New Chapter.

I have been wanting to get back to blogging for a while, but for some reason or other never got round to it. I spent the past hour deliberating over a blog name, not allowing myself to type anything until that had been decided - I eventually decided that this really wasn't very important and settled on something inspired by 'Where The Wild Things Are', a film I watched the other night and found absolutely beautiful - it made me cry and I love when a film can make me cry.

The main reason I have felt such a desire to start blogging again is to keep a log on how much my life, and me as a person, has changed over the past couple of months and is continuing to change. Every time I do, see, watch or hear something inspiring I always sit there thinking, I don't want to forget this. This blog will be used so just that doesn't happen. Just for me.

I am getting really emotional just writing this, the tears started flowing for reasons I cannot pinpoint but can certainly guess. For obvious reasons, and various others, the past two years have been increasingly difficult for me. Suffering loss and grief has been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and it still sticks around, not for the most part, but every now and again when something triggers it. For the most part I have the fond memories, the lessons and advice that I will never forget and the comforting things and people left behind. And these are the things that bring a smile to my face. That's not to say I wouldn't give anything to see your face again, hear you say you're proud of me one more time. That has hit me harder than anything, the fact that in 18 months I haven't heard anyone say they are genuinely proud of me, something that deeply demotivates me to the point where my mind has been so empty for as long as I can remember and I struggled so much to get out of that - I still struggle but I am trying so hard to find myself and make you proud of me again. When I feel low I think of your voice and it saddens me that I will never hear those words again, but  that is something I am slowly trying to get over and I finally feel that I can.

To cut it short, after almost 2 years of not knowing who I am anymore, being increasingly unhappy with my living conditions and struggling to even pass at university, the 21st June 2010 became the day I could start afresh, start rediscovering myself. This was the day I moved into my amazing new house, with 3 people who helped me get through the past year whether they know it or not. After a year in another town, living back in Farnham has made me happier than I ever could have imagined. I can go for walks whenever I like, visit people with only a short walk and no worrying about how I'm going to get home, finally no restrictions. Whilst living in a beautiful, homely house with some of my best friends. It was the fresh start I have so badly needed in order to get my life and my mind back on track, and already I have seen so much change in myself.

• I have got myself organised, my desk ready for any dissertation work I feel like doing - this is huge for me as for such a long time my life has felt like such a mess and finally it's not;
•  I have been spending days in the library, reading articles and books, and enjoying doing so - I am actually sad that the library will be shut for 2 weeks; 
• I make sure I go on a long walk every day to clear my head and just keep myself fit; 
• I have got an exercise regime going, that I have been following for a few weeks and I am really noticing the difference. I feel different in myself and now when I look in the mirror I'm starting to like what I see. I have also been eating very healthily and drinking 1.5 litres of water every day. I feel good!

Most significantly to me, I have found a huge comfort in cooking - Scott's passion and something I feel has now been passed to me. I find huge satisfaction in mixing ingredients, creating something new and then getting appreciation from whomever it has been cooked for. I very much look forward to learning new dishes, all the while smiling because I feel like Scott is with me in the kitchen, most probably telling me I'm doing it wrong.

So, here I am. A new chapter has begun and I have never felt happier or more ready to tackle what is thrown at me. I know this final year of university will be hard, I am going to have to work harder than I ever have before in order to finish with a result I can be proud of, but I am prepared and well on my way to rediscovering what I want to do. I am still miles away from having a clue of what projects to set myself in the final year, but until then there will be lots of reading books, articles, browsing the internet and gallery visiting. I know I can do it.