So here it is

Another Christmas over. There was no build up to it in my house this year, a complete lack of decorations and very little discussion, so it's safe to say I wasn't particularly excited. Christmas is such a family time and the past 2 years, what with the loss of  the most festive person in the house, have been fairly quiet, everybody residing to their own rooms for most of the day after present opening and dinner. This year we had christmas dinner at my sisters boyfriends families house, a huge roast followed by trifle. The highlight of it was without a doubt seeing my nephews little face as he was stuffing food in his mouth and then tipping his bowl upside down and emptying any remaining food over the table when he wasn't hungry anymore. How hilarious he found the christmas crackers and him pointing and laughing at everybodies hats. If it wasn't for him and his excitement at opening all of his presents and having everyone surrounding him all day, yesterday would have felt like any other day.
Christmas Eve on the other hand was a special day, as me and my family went to visit my Grandad whom we hadn't seen in a very long time. Sitting in his living room, surrounded by my mum, sisters and nephew, I felt more content than I have done in a long time. At one point me and my sister walked to the shops to get a few bits for lunch, and the walk there brings a smile to my face even now because I spent the whole time laughing properly, hysterically, for the first time in as long as I can remember. I love my sister so much, ahe's my best friend as well as an amazing sister and I appreciate any time we get to spend together so much because it's not very often at all.
We stayed at my grandads all day, and then upon returning home in the evening, a very good friend came round and we went to the pub to see in Christmas. It was an incredible night, firstly because it was an entirely new experience not sitting at home watching rubbish TV on Christmas Eve, and secondly I was in the best company. We talked and drank wine for hours, catching up on three months of events, occasionally getting interrupted by drunk men wanting to make friends. However, we did gain a free bottle of wine from one of these men so it wasn't so bad. Nights like these make me realise how great the friends I have from back in London are, and as hard as it is that I very rarely see any of them what with distance and just living life, everytime I do see them it's as if nothing ever changed, and I have realised that these are the people that will always be there for me no matter what therefore the only people I should really be bothered about what they think of me - all the people I get myself upset over are not worth my tears and I feel stronger now that I will return to Farnham with my head held high. That's not to say that I wouldn't much rather stay in London for longer than the 2 remaining weeks of my break, but I guess I have to td what I have to do to get my degree.


I feel much better now than I have been feeling, and I am sure that a large dose of family and real friends was just what I have needed to get my head back in shape. Along with the special person putting a smile on my face everyday. I am looking forward to what 2011 has to bring.

Struggles

It has been almost 4 months since my last post and my life has changed in ways I never could have imagined. University started up again - 3rd year has been tougher than I ever could have thought, mostly because my head has been the furthest from work mode than ever before and I simply haven't been able to get it back on track. I've lost my very best friend and others along with it, and with every day that goes by I find it harder and harder to stay in Farnham for fear of what it will do, is doing, to my sanity. I've found myself hiding away more and more, desperately trying to just get on with work but finding it such a struggle to even focus on what I want to do. The only comfort I have been finding is in my dissertation because I am fully engrossed in a subject I now understand and find wholly interesting, and ultimately my true ambition in life is to write - probably a large part of why I struggle so much with any other work. However, I had a meeting with my head of course who reassured me that I can tie writing into my work if I want to, I don't have to do what everyone else is doing, and it has made me feel slightly better about the next few months because it got to the point where the thought of finishing university seemed impossible - and for me, somebody who never gives up (so very stubborn), the fact that these thoughts were even entering my head was becoming too much to bear. I feel increasingly lonely, sometimes it feels like it's me against the whole world, and some days all I can think about is curling back up and going to sleep because nothing else seems even slightly possible, but I am desperately trying to just take each day as it comes and get on with what I need to to get my degree and move on to the next chapter of my life. All I wish is that some people would respect that and stop trying to make this so much harder for me than it already is. Naive as it may be, I have my fingers crossed that it will be a 'new year, new start'. I can't face another six months of feeling like this.