One more tent!

Yesterday I got back from Creamfields festival and a whole 24 hours later I am still on a major downer. It was truly one of the best experiences of my life and sitting here, reflecting on the too short time it was, it's really hit me just how much of an impact it had on me. I went with two best friends, all of us never having been to a festival before so equally as excited and curious about what to expect. After an 8 hour journey to Liverpool, we finally got in to the festival, put the tent up and got the beers out. This was the start of 2 days of drinking (though really not as much as I'd anticipated I would), dancing, walking around in mud and getting absolutely filthy. I was so glad it did rain as I'd never worn wellies before and for me I'd envisioned part of the festival experience to be trawling about in muddy wellies not having a care in the world about the filth being trod in - and we most certainly got that. We didn't change for the whole weekend, so we stunk and were covered in all sorts but it really didn't matter - it felt so insanely free to not have to clean as almost everybody there was in the same boat with the exception of silly girls who must have spent hours doing their hair and make-up and putting their best clothes on before they could step into the main dance area. I have never danced so much in my life, and never appreciated dance music so much - the adrenaline was pumping the whole 2 days and we could have stayed and dance for at least another 2 days - and when I say danced I mean frantically waving our arms about and jumping up and down, getting completely lost in the music and the bass and the moment, not having a care in the world about who might have been watching or what we looked like. The whole thing was absolutely amazing, and I'm left with so many little memories of funny or really quite surreal moments - probably one of the funniest being the security team approaching a fire we were all standing around, attempting to put it out with a less than half filled bucket of water, and then standing watching the fire upon failing while asking each other "what shall we do? shall we take that one? i don't know, should we?" - worst security ever!! I miss it so so much and am already planning the next festival, as I know the experience and the feeling that is left after it is something I have already become addicted to. Somebody take me back!

Inception

..wow. My sister treated me to a trip to the cinema last night to finally see Inception and my god was it worth the wait. I also have a new found love for Tom Hardy.

Monkee

I want a pet monkey. 

Or a meerkat. I'm not fussy.

Third day without facebook and I have to say I feel really good about it. I had a conversation yesterday about the effect facebook has on you - how you feel obliged to check it every day, often multiple times, just in case somebody has left you some sort of message that normally isn't particularly important anyway. It's nice to be rid of that feeling, and to be talking to people properly without the dependence of a website. However, let's see how I feel in a week!

Last night I went out in London with a good friend who I hadn't seen in a ridiculously long time. On top of being excited to have a huge catch up, I was doubly ecstatic as I hadn't been to an actual club in about a year, let alone one in Leicester Square, bang smack in the middle of London town. I had an incredibly fun night, filled with drinks, chats, laughs and plenty of dancing. And stumbling in at 5.30 this morning, with the first morning buses going past - that felt amazing.

facebook shmacebook..

Today I finally did something I've been wanting to do for a while - I deactivated my facebook account. I started realising how much other peoples lives are thrown in your face, people who you would never normally care about otherwise - so many lives broadcast for all to see. Even people you do care about - why should facebook be the only means of finding out what's going on? If you really care, pick up the phone. It's more on a personal level, as I'd like to spend at least a couple of weeks only communicating via phone or email, as too many people, myself included, become quite antisocial relying only on facebook for updates and brief impersonal chats. So I guess you could say it's an experiment - let's see who I don't hear from now that there isn't the ease of a comment box or a reminder from facebook to 'send Leanne a message'.

I decided to come back  to London last night as I was really missing my family and friends, and being in Farnham so much was getting increasingly boring and lonely when people weren't about.  So at 9pm I jumped on the rail replacement bus, to start an almost 3 hour long journey. I got in, made myself a cup of tea and passed out, and woke up this morning really happy to be back. I'll be in London for 2 weeks, to get a huge dose of family (particularly my nephew), friends, nightlife (anyone from Farnham will know what a novelty clubs become!) and art - plenty of gallery visits and strolls around London. Following that, I'll be off to Creamfields, my first ever festival, with 2 of my best friends - I have a feeling it is going to be pretty epic!


I really need to cram in some dissertation research somewhere..

First attempt at homemade crisps.

Verdict: not quite crispy enough but tasty nonetheless!

Get Organised

Me and Mat finished making a calender today. We spent so much time saying "We need a calender, we really need a calender" and being annoyed when we couldn't find any we liked or frowning at the prices. Eventually we realised, why not save a lot of wasted money and just make one. Each month has a picture of someone or something that means a lot to us, so it's definitely cheerful as well as very cheap.

Read read read..

Another day spent in the library. So much reading, my brain needs to do something that doesn't involve any thinking. Time for a bit of 'Friends' and picture browsing.

Also, I watched Shutter Island last night. I had absolutely no idea what it was about so had no expectations,   but found it to be brilliant and the perfect amount of mind-boggling. Tonight: Inception finally!

Hemsby beach. My favourite place in the world. 

Madeira

I want to go back! Madeira is the most beautiful and interesting country I have ever been to. It is essentially one big mountain, so the only way to get around a lot of the island is by car. I found it fascinating how despite the obvious lack of flat land, houses were built basically anywhere they could fit, even if that meant hanging over cliff edges resting on beams. I was fortunate enough, as I went with Mathew and his family, to see it from both a tourists and the local's point of view - it made for the most extraordinary experience and I got to see a huge amount of the island considering I was only there for less than a week. The days were spent driving around the island, along terrifying rocky roads, stopping at beauty points and finally settling at numerous beaches, depending on whereabouts on the island the sun was (as the tip of the island is in the clouds, most of the island was often covered by thick clouds blocking the sun). I actually swam in the sea for the first time ever, practically every day, and found it so incredibly refreshing. I went out on a boat and saw a whale, while 5 or 6 dolphins swam along with the boat - one of the best experience of my life. The nights were spent exploring the mountains or visiting little coffee shops or the mall, or going out for tasty food. Mingling with the family and generally having a good time. I was too poor to go back this summer but I hope to go back either later in the year or early next year - this place holds many fond memories for me now and has a special place in my heart, not least because it's where Mat is from. I love Madeira.

New Chapter.

I have been wanting to get back to blogging for a while, but for some reason or other never got round to it. I spent the past hour deliberating over a blog name, not allowing myself to type anything until that had been decided - I eventually decided that this really wasn't very important and settled on something inspired by 'Where The Wild Things Are', a film I watched the other night and found absolutely beautiful - it made me cry and I love when a film can make me cry.

The main reason I have felt such a desire to start blogging again is to keep a log on how much my life, and me as a person, has changed over the past couple of months and is continuing to change. Every time I do, see, watch or hear something inspiring I always sit there thinking, I don't want to forget this. This blog will be used so just that doesn't happen. Just for me.

I am getting really emotional just writing this, the tears started flowing for reasons I cannot pinpoint but can certainly guess. For obvious reasons, and various others, the past two years have been increasingly difficult for me. Suffering loss and grief has been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and it still sticks around, not for the most part, but every now and again when something triggers it. For the most part I have the fond memories, the lessons and advice that I will never forget and the comforting things and people left behind. And these are the things that bring a smile to my face. That's not to say I wouldn't give anything to see your face again, hear you say you're proud of me one more time. That has hit me harder than anything, the fact that in 18 months I haven't heard anyone say they are genuinely proud of me, something that deeply demotivates me to the point where my mind has been so empty for as long as I can remember and I struggled so much to get out of that - I still struggle but I am trying so hard to find myself and make you proud of me again. When I feel low I think of your voice and it saddens me that I will never hear those words again, but  that is something I am slowly trying to get over and I finally feel that I can.

To cut it short, after almost 2 years of not knowing who I am anymore, being increasingly unhappy with my living conditions and struggling to even pass at university, the 21st June 2010 became the day I could start afresh, start rediscovering myself. This was the day I moved into my amazing new house, with 3 people who helped me get through the past year whether they know it or not. After a year in another town, living back in Farnham has made me happier than I ever could have imagined. I can go for walks whenever I like, visit people with only a short walk and no worrying about how I'm going to get home, finally no restrictions. Whilst living in a beautiful, homely house with some of my best friends. It was the fresh start I have so badly needed in order to get my life and my mind back on track, and already I have seen so much change in myself.

• I have got myself organised, my desk ready for any dissertation work I feel like doing - this is huge for me as for such a long time my life has felt like such a mess and finally it's not;
•  I have been spending days in the library, reading articles and books, and enjoying doing so - I am actually sad that the library will be shut for 2 weeks; 
• I make sure I go on a long walk every day to clear my head and just keep myself fit; 
• I have got an exercise regime going, that I have been following for a few weeks and I am really noticing the difference. I feel different in myself and now when I look in the mirror I'm starting to like what I see. I have also been eating very healthily and drinking 1.5 litres of water every day. I feel good!

Most significantly to me, I have found a huge comfort in cooking - Scott's passion and something I feel has now been passed to me. I find huge satisfaction in mixing ingredients, creating something new and then getting appreciation from whomever it has been cooked for. I very much look forward to learning new dishes, all the while smiling because I feel like Scott is with me in the kitchen, most probably telling me I'm doing it wrong.

So, here I am. A new chapter has begun and I have never felt happier or more ready to tackle what is thrown at me. I know this final year of university will be hard, I am going to have to work harder than I ever have before in order to finish with a result I can be proud of, but I am prepared and well on my way to rediscovering what I want to do. I am still miles away from having a clue of what projects to set myself in the final year, but until then there will be lots of reading books, articles, browsing the internet and gallery visiting. I know I can do it.