It's been three years since you passed away and I finally feel like I can say you would be proud of me. I've felt like a complete let down for so long, letting my emotions override everything else, and not bothering to do anything positive with my life. I spent two years after you left us letting myself lose more and more of a grip of myself and my life. I hated myself for it but didn't know how to get out of the rut I'd got myself into. I didn't know how to be around people, my confidence was at an all time low and I completely forgot how to be happy.
Then I moved back to London. Back to the house I grew up in and around the people that made me the strong, happy person I forgot how to be. I got myself a job, a job I absolutely thrive in and is so perfect for me I can barely believe that I, the girl who had absolutely no belief in herself, am now set in a job that not only makes me so happy but will provide me with endless opportunities for my future. I spent the first few months pinching myself, wondering what I'd done to deserve it. But I now realise that all the tough times I went through, all the times I begged you to be there and you weren't, were a huge learning curve leading me to the biggest opportunity my life could present to me. Everything that happened was meant to be and I feel now more than ever that you have always been watching over me, and you'll be so happy to see now that I am doing so well for myself. So I hope you are proud. I think I can finally say that I am proud of me too.

I miss you Scott, always. xxx

I want you to fight for me. I need to know that this means enough to you to fight for. I really don't think it does.

So, my Uncle's wedding is this Friday and I'm the photographer. I am officially the most underprepared photographer ever - I haven't even got hold of a camera yet (though I am sorting that out in the morning), I haven't prepared what photographs I'm actually taking, and most importantly I have no idea what I'm wearing. I've never been to a wedding before so I'm not entirely sure where the medium lies between too casual and too dressy. Though to be honest I can't afford to buy anything new so I'm just going to have to wear a red dress I have, though I am slightly concerned it looks a bit much for a wedding, especially being red - not very subtle. Oh well, too late now. Me and my family will be heading to St Albans tomorrow evening to stay in a hotel for the night, so we're all there first thing on Friday morning to get prepared for each of our roles. I am feeling immense pressure because I have probably the most important role and I don't want to balls it up, but I'm sure it will be absolutely fine, and as it's a family wedding it's not like I won't know anyone there. I guess I shall see after Friday if I was a success or not! Regardless of how my attempt at being wedding photographer goes, I am rather excited to be attending a wedding for the first time. I imagine it be a beautiful occasion and I am looking forward to seeing two people start the rest of their lives together. And seeing my nephew in a little suit.

Well

Thank god that's over. A new year has begun and I am more than happy to see the back of 2010, four days in and I am already feeling thoroughly positive about this year and what it has to bring. There will be many significant changes this year, all of which will completely change my life and give me the fresh start I have so desperately needed. In only 5 months time I finish university, followed shortly after by graduation and the gaining of my degree. In 8 months I will become an auntie again; this feels me with the greatest sense of pride because the joy my nephew brings me is a feeling I have never experienced before, and being his auntie, being there to give him eternal love and care,  receiving his love in return, is without a doubt the most satisfying and proudest thing I have ever done in my life so far.
However, most excitingly, before any of this, in just 5 days I will finally be with the person I have been wanting to be next to for 5 weeks - it has been the longest, hardest wait of my life but it will undoubtedly be entirely worth it. A whole lot of shit has gone on as a result of me following my heart, but despite it all as soon as I see his face, feel what my heart does, I realise there is no way events could have happened any differently - for once in my life I needed to be selfish rather than lie to myself and everyone else. I am under no illusion that this will be easy, especially with the sheer distance between us and the fact we'll see each other maybe twice a month, but for once in my life I can see my future so clearly and I am in no way prepared to give this up to keep other people happy. This is our year.


2011, bring it on.

So here it is

Another Christmas over. There was no build up to it in my house this year, a complete lack of decorations and very little discussion, so it's safe to say I wasn't particularly excited. Christmas is such a family time and the past 2 years, what with the loss of  the most festive person in the house, have been fairly quiet, everybody residing to their own rooms for most of the day after present opening and dinner. This year we had christmas dinner at my sisters boyfriends families house, a huge roast followed by trifle. The highlight of it was without a doubt seeing my nephews little face as he was stuffing food in his mouth and then tipping his bowl upside down and emptying any remaining food over the table when he wasn't hungry anymore. How hilarious he found the christmas crackers and him pointing and laughing at everybodies hats. If it wasn't for him and his excitement at opening all of his presents and having everyone surrounding him all day, yesterday would have felt like any other day.
Christmas Eve on the other hand was a special day, as me and my family went to visit my Grandad whom we hadn't seen in a very long time. Sitting in his living room, surrounded by my mum, sisters and nephew, I felt more content than I have done in a long time. At one point me and my sister walked to the shops to get a few bits for lunch, and the walk there brings a smile to my face even now because I spent the whole time laughing properly, hysterically, for the first time in as long as I can remember. I love my sister so much, ahe's my best friend as well as an amazing sister and I appreciate any time we get to spend together so much because it's not very often at all.
We stayed at my grandads all day, and then upon returning home in the evening, a very good friend came round and we went to the pub to see in Christmas. It was an incredible night, firstly because it was an entirely new experience not sitting at home watching rubbish TV on Christmas Eve, and secondly I was in the best company. We talked and drank wine for hours, catching up on three months of events, occasionally getting interrupted by drunk men wanting to make friends. However, we did gain a free bottle of wine from one of these men so it wasn't so bad. Nights like these make me realise how great the friends I have from back in London are, and as hard as it is that I very rarely see any of them what with distance and just living life, everytime I do see them it's as if nothing ever changed, and I have realised that these are the people that will always be there for me no matter what therefore the only people I should really be bothered about what they think of me - all the people I get myself upset over are not worth my tears and I feel stronger now that I will return to Farnham with my head held high. That's not to say that I wouldn't much rather stay in London for longer than the 2 remaining weeks of my break, but I guess I have to td what I have to do to get my degree.


I feel much better now than I have been feeling, and I am sure that a large dose of family and real friends was just what I have needed to get my head back in shape. Along with the special person putting a smile on my face everyday. I am looking forward to what 2011 has to bring.

Struggles

It has been almost 4 months since my last post and my life has changed in ways I never could have imagined. University started up again - 3rd year has been tougher than I ever could have thought, mostly because my head has been the furthest from work mode than ever before and I simply haven't been able to get it back on track. I've lost my very best friend and others along with it, and with every day that goes by I find it harder and harder to stay in Farnham for fear of what it will do, is doing, to my sanity. I've found myself hiding away more and more, desperately trying to just get on with work but finding it such a struggle to even focus on what I want to do. The only comfort I have been finding is in my dissertation because I am fully engrossed in a subject I now understand and find wholly interesting, and ultimately my true ambition in life is to write - probably a large part of why I struggle so much with any other work. However, I had a meeting with my head of course who reassured me that I can tie writing into my work if I want to, I don't have to do what everyone else is doing, and it has made me feel slightly better about the next few months because it got to the point where the thought of finishing university seemed impossible - and for me, somebody who never gives up (so very stubborn), the fact that these thoughts were even entering my head was becoming too much to bear. I feel increasingly lonely, sometimes it feels like it's me against the whole world, and some days all I can think about is curling back up and going to sleep because nothing else seems even slightly possible, but I am desperately trying to just take each day as it comes and get on with what I need to to get my degree and move on to the next chapter of my life. All I wish is that some people would respect that and stop trying to make this so much harder for me than it already is. Naive as it may be, I have my fingers crossed that it will be a 'new year, new start'. I can't face another six months of feeling like this.

One more tent!

Yesterday I got back from Creamfields festival and a whole 24 hours later I am still on a major downer. It was truly one of the best experiences of my life and sitting here, reflecting on the too short time it was, it's really hit me just how much of an impact it had on me. I went with two best friends, all of us never having been to a festival before so equally as excited and curious about what to expect. After an 8 hour journey to Liverpool, we finally got in to the festival, put the tent up and got the beers out. This was the start of 2 days of drinking (though really not as much as I'd anticipated I would), dancing, walking around in mud and getting absolutely filthy. I was so glad it did rain as I'd never worn wellies before and for me I'd envisioned part of the festival experience to be trawling about in muddy wellies not having a care in the world about the filth being trod in - and we most certainly got that. We didn't change for the whole weekend, so we stunk and were covered in all sorts but it really didn't matter - it felt so insanely free to not have to clean as almost everybody there was in the same boat with the exception of silly girls who must have spent hours doing their hair and make-up and putting their best clothes on before they could step into the main dance area. I have never danced so much in my life, and never appreciated dance music so much - the adrenaline was pumping the whole 2 days and we could have stayed and dance for at least another 2 days - and when I say danced I mean frantically waving our arms about and jumping up and down, getting completely lost in the music and the bass and the moment, not having a care in the world about who might have been watching or what we looked like. The whole thing was absolutely amazing, and I'm left with so many little memories of funny or really quite surreal moments - probably one of the funniest being the security team approaching a fire we were all standing around, attempting to put it out with a less than half filled bucket of water, and then standing watching the fire upon failing while asking each other "what shall we do? shall we take that one? i don't know, should we?" - worst security ever!! I miss it so so much and am already planning the next festival, as I know the experience and the feeling that is left after it is something I have already become addicted to. Somebody take me back!